God's Care

     We have all questioned God.  Some of us were raised not to; however, being human we do it anyway.  We have all asked, "Why?" especially where the big questions are concerned.  "Why did my spouse lose his job?"  "Why does my sweet mother have to suffer so with arthritis?"  "Why do I have cancer with two small children to raise?"
     These are the heart wrenchers.  They permeate our lives.  But what about the smaller questions?  For example, "Why did my alarm not go off, Lord?  Now, not only I am late for work, but my kids will be late for school..."  "Why did my phone not charge?  I'm waiting for that important call!"  Here's one I can really relate to.  "Why did our dishwasher leak and leak and leak down into the basement?  Now, we have a huge mess we may have to pay for!"
     Why indeed?
     Could it be you are running late because a reckless driver would have crossed your path causing a horrible accident involving not only you, but your precious children?  And God said, "Not my kids you don't!  You are my child too, but I will gently guide you to be more careful behind the wheel of that car.  I will not let anyone harm any child of Mine in this minute."
     Those all important phones.  Remember when you had a simple answering machine at home?  Calls had to wait.  Boy, have we become impatient!  Perhaps the call you felt was so important was hurtful.  So hurtful that it haunted you for days and made you feel less than you really are.  Is missing that type of call really a loss?  It also gives the caller time to rethink their message.  A critical message becomes constructive, therefore a learning moment for both parties.
     And, that beloved flooded kitchen/basement.  At least it wasn't the washing machine.  How many loads per day do we do?  What if raw sewage was in your basement?  And guess what?  The insurance did pay for it.  You have a brand new kitchen and it is pretty awesome. 
     We gripe and complain, but our plans aren't God's.  His are better for many reasons.  One of which is He sees the whole picture--because He is God.  It sounds strange, but remember the Bible verse that says, "In everything give thanks"?  What if we did that?  How would God respond? 
     "Your welcome.  Thanks for trusting me.  I love taking care of you, my wonderful child."
--I'd like to dedicate this to my fantastic sister-in-law who sent me this message via email.  Love you, Cherie! 

God's Healing

     I sit here typing a somewhat new woman.  I have to share a secret with you.  For the past few months, I have been trudging through my days.  I have done only what was necessary to keep up appearances to my family and friends. When people have asked, "How are you doing, really?"  I answered them with a smile and a "I'm fine."
     I'm a pretty good actress.  I wasn't fooling my husband though, or my closer friends.  I had reached the point where procrastination had begun to bug me.  Clutter was everywhere.  I'd dropped the mask of super mom and grown grouchy with my family.
     Our summer wasn't the best.  Many of you know my father-in-law died of pancreatic cancer.  His life ended too quickly and eighteen days later, our daughter had back surgery. (I am still stalking the grumpy nurses.)  I attempted to make the summer fun for my kids.  I think I did an okay job of it.  Then, as school neared, my mother announced she needed to have a pacemaker installed.  She was my father's sole caregiver.  We had mentioned nursing home care, but who wants to do that, really?  Still, my siblings and I couldn't help like we had before, so the decision was made and my dad is now living in the nursing home.  Not fun for anyone.
     Has he adjusted well?  Those of you who know my dad know the answer to that one.  However, my mom is doing better because taking care of my dad was wearing her down.  With her heart problems, it wasn't a good situation.  And, the nursing home is less than five minutes away. She can go to visit whenever she chooses, and of course that is a few times daily.  Visiting my dad there was hard for me.  I realize it is for the best.  God led me to accept this.  Doesn't make it easy, however.
     So, the muck was there and I was wallowing in it.  I didn't even cry much; just wallowed.  I saw after a bit, that one can only do that for so long.  I didn't like who I had become. 
     At last I discovered what I needed.  I reached out to God.  I prayed.  Nothing fancy or flashy.  Nothing long or verbose.  I asked my Father for help.  I wondered how long I'd have to wait.  We hear a lot that God's timetable is not our own. 
     The next morning-BOOM-I awoke ready to go.  I actually did my to-do list.  I started exercising.  I asked friends to lunch.  (If I haven't asked you, I'll get there.  Don't worry.)  I got my Bible study underway and signed up for another one.  I'm going on a field trip Friday.
     I asked myself, "Why I didn't pray sooner?"  Maybe I needed some down time.  Maybe I needed to disconnect.  None of that is good because I always needed God.  Why do I always wait?  Haven't I learned my lesson? 
     The deal is, God is always there for me.  Even when I'm too numb to feel His love.  He must have a truck load of patience set aside for me.  His healing is unlike anything I have ever encountered.  Like a beloved blanket, it covers every corner of worry, depression, and upheaval.  It is a mighty gift.  I cherish it.  I know you do too.  Don't ever underestimate God's healing love for you.
    

God's Children

     I'm back.  Finally.  Really I am going to try to stick to a blog a week.  Accent on "try".
     I have realized I notice things others miss.  Like a forgotten umbrella in a shopping cart or a forgotten child in a shopping aisle.  I seem to stumble upon these people and things habitually.  I usually don't mind, but I have to say here lately, it has been the norm.  "I am not the Statue of Liberty," I grumpily thought the other day, "I do not want your lost, hungry, huddled masses looking to me for help."
    As soon as this occured to me, I chastised myself.  Phrases like, "Nice Christian attitude" and "What if that was your grandma?" floated through my mind.  I thought about  my grandmothers then.  One was the embodiement of a nurse and loved and took care of everybody.  She once helped a lost little girl find her mother at a picnic.  A snapshot of love personified I will never misplace. 
   My other grandma worked for years with my grandpa in their Ben Franklin store.  She did everything, but  mostly worked in the fabric department being a super sewer.  She taught me how to find a pattern for people, especially those who couldn't bend to the lower drawers.  She was a patient and kind teacher and playmate.  She took me to Sunday school every Sunday and always read Dr. Seuss, Little Arch books and my big white children's bible to me.  (Fellow Lutherans will recall these items.)
   Both of my grandmothers were little in stature.  I, on the other hand, am a whopping 5' 11".  They both were so glad I was tall.  So, when the next lady asked me to get something off the top shelf at the grocery store, I thought of them.  Wouldn't I want someone to help my grandmothers?  And, if someone was nasty to them, I'd be the first to gut that person like a herring.  Momma Bear's protection mode stretches way past her children.
    My husband and I have unfortunately begun to learn what it is like to step into the parenting role with our parents from time to time.  It seems awkward, but we can do it.  We learned from the masters.  And we do it with love and patience, as much as humanly possible, like our parents did.  My siblings and siblings-in-law can stop laughing now.
    We've all heard, "it takes a village to raise a child".  Whether the child is five or 85, maybe God has given me this job for a purpose.  There really isn't anything I can't reach at a store.  And along with helping someone else's grandma, I'd want a stranger to look out for my children.  I once physically pulled a little boy back into the theater who had been separated from his mom in the crowd.  I was happy to do it.  Just like the lady who helped my daughter to the ladder in the wave pool when we became separated and things were much too wavy.  I had been right by her. It can happen in a moment.  And in that moment, we are the village.
    I thank God for my eagle eyes and long legs.  We used to say my dad had a super sniffer.  I guess I inherited the same type of gift in a different sense.  One may not always have the time, but love and loved ones really all do live in the same village.   

God's In-Laws

     I know, I know.  A new blog?  Yes, a new blog.  I'm going to try even harder to post one once a week.  I could tell you the reasons why it's been so long, but instead I'm going to write about it.
     My father-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the end of February.  He passed away on June 1.  I knew when I saw my sister-in-law's number come up on my cell he had died.  I was in the check-out line in Wal-Mart.  It's amazing how ambidextrous one can be when needed.
     My husband was supposed to travel to China the next day.  My sister-in-law worried he had already left.  I assured her he hadn't and promised to call him.  When I did he had just talked to his mother.  So, he knew.  I then had to tell our kids.  We were, unfortunately, all expecting this.  We prepared our children as much as possible.  Still, its never easy.  I swallowed so much while telling them I thought I might get sick.  And, they were nontheless surprised and shaken.
     We threw our stuff together and headed South.  We were able to help with the arrangements.  Everyone seemed to be holding together fairly well.  However, his loss of presence was immediately felt.  I kept waiting for him to come home from a meeting or Bible study or hospital visit.  My father-in-law was a retired Lutheran pastor.  He still led a Bible study.  He probably hadn't had too many meetings or visits in the past several years but this had been such a huge part of him when I first became a member of the family that to me it was natural to still see him in that light.  He loved to preach/teach most of all.  He led lots of lost people to Jesus. 
     The room grew smaller without his presence, especially when his brothers arrived.  Clowning around as usual, his love of laughter and goofy jokes was noticeably absent. Three now and not four, something was definately off.
     The visitation and funeral were mostly a blur.  I don't give much attention to the dweller of the casket.  That wasn't my father-in-law anyway. 
     We had visited him a week before.  He was exhausted.  When we left, I told him goodbye last.  I wanted my husband and kids to have extra time, not to feel rushed.  I told him I was the last person to wake him up to say goodbye.  Then, I told him something I'd never said before.  I love you.  He looked me right in the eye.  "I love you, too."  That is a great final memory.  I was a little shocked.  There were times when I'd grown frustrated with him and informed him in a less than tactful way.  And I'm sure he wondered why in the name of all that was good and holy had his wonderful son married such a mouthy, German, Scotch/Irish girl.
     Secretly, I'd always known it was because we were alot alike.  Except for the mouthy, Scotch/Irish girl part.  Yes, I really did just admit that.  In print.  For prosperity.
     My mother-in-law was shocked by all the people who came to pay their respects.  It didn't surprise me.  I had no doubts there.  No one is perfect but we can strive to live a Godly life.  My father-in-law did that very thing.  And he inspired many more of us to follow in his footsteps.  
    

God's Plan

     I cannot believe it has been almost three months since I blogged.  Wow!  The reasons are many and a few of them are heart wrenching.
     My mom is going in for heart surgery tomorrow.  My father-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the end of February.  He is not doing well.  My mother thinks my dad has had another stroke and he also suffers from Parkinson's.  My daughter's upcoming surgery in barreling down on us.  My husband has been traveling for work.  And I promise, I am not making this up. 
     I am trying hard to hand over things to God.  I can usually do it on a day-to-day basis.  Then, I take things back.  Sharing was never one of my strong suits.  I enjoy the acid bubbling in my stomach.  My esophagus hasn't clenched enough in the last month.  Being exhausted and worried are my hobbies.
     Most days I feel as though I am in a fog.  I try to concentrate on other issues.  I try even harder to focus on my kids and husband.  I find myself wanting to cry.  Then I realize I just don't have the time.
     I am amazed what does happen when I do have a good day in the Lord.  I go along without worrying and actually smile.  Sometimes I even hum.  I notice the road block in my mind that won't allow me to visit my ulcer producing concerns. 
     Talking with my mother-in-law helps me also.  She has such a fierce faith.  She questions and wonders like the rest of us.  God has this uncanny ability to send her people that show her His plan.  Or, a bolstering thought can occur to her straight from God.  She is strengthened and shares her insights with me.  I am stunned and strengthened too.
    Somewhere in the Bible God tells us He knows the plans He has for us, to help us to prosper, and to build us up. 
     Not to pull us down.  That is huge.  The right plan from the right Savior because He loves us.  Not to shabby of a calender when we wholeheartedly trust God to plan the events.

God's Conviction

***Disclaimer Alert! Disclaimer Alert!***  I haven't written in awhile due to sickness.  Sickness of myself, my hubby, and my kids!  Now I feel better.  Onto topic...
    
     Have you ever felt convicted to do something?  Even better, convicted by God?  I have a few times in my life.  I stepped out in faith and did things I thought no one else would understand.  Funny thing is, support seeped in from sources I never imagined.  But, those are people.  I'm talking God here.
     When God gives us an answer to our prayers, life can get scary.  That, of course, is the enemy messing with us.  We back peddle and question God's plan.  As we are quiet and listen again, we don't just hear a repeat of our answer.  We become convicted.  Because we missed it the first time.
     Conviction is beyond the Gideon complex we feel at times.  Remember Gideon?  Show me, God, then show me again, and how about one more time, Gideon?  Yes, that is me and I have a feeling, that is you too.
     Conviction swipes that away.  I have a friend who was recently convicted to make a very large and life alternating choice.  She had doubts of course, but she surpassed them.  Why?  The God that surpasses all human understanding had convicted her this was His  plan.  Taking that step out in faith proved hurtful.  Yet convicted, she rose above and held onto God's hand through her pain.  She is stronger for it.  I am so proud of her.
     Conviction is so awesome!  And, so is God.
     I also believe conviction is what we all need to pray for.  It lead us, it guides us.  It can even carry us through.  Our doubts can cause us to buckle.  Not conviction.  It gets the job done despite our doubts.  Conviction is God's whispering in our ear, "I've got your back. Now go git 'er done."
     What have you been convicted to do?  Pray over this.  And  be amazed at what God whispers to you.

God's Prom

     While cleaning out drawers, my husband found an old wallet sized photo of myself and a prom date.  I am still stunned he found it.  The 5x7 was lost a long time ago.  I had mourned the loss of the picture and never thought there might be a wallet sized picture floating around. 
     I was so happy I could hardly look at it.  He had been a really good friend my senior year in high school.  He died about fifteen years ago in a car accident.  The first good friend from school to pass away, I remember being beyond shocked.  Grieving for him only got worse as time went on.  That was also the beginning of a year when I lost  many people I loved. 
     I prayed for a miracle.  I'm a little embarrassed to say I prayed for Jesus to raise him, like He had Lazarus.  I bargained with God.  He'd certainly gain a lot of believers with a modern day miracle like that one.  God had other plans, though. 
     People say once you get to Heaven, why would you want to come back?  I'm sure they are right. 
     Even though I hadn't seen him for several years, I missed him.  I thought a lot about high school.  We had so much fun that year.  We got into a bunch of trouble for talking across the room to each other.  And, talking in the library.  And, just talking.
     He became one of the few people who stood up for me.  I was tall, awkward, and chubby.  Some of you who know me now realize not much has changed.  Incredibly self conscious, having a real friend who didn't bully but supported me meant everything.  Everything.
     He asked me to prom his senior year.  Surprised, I came home from college.  We had a great time.  Whether he thought of me as more than a friend or not, I have no idea.  He would have been a great husband and father.  He was a great friend. 
     I didn't realize until I started typing this that the anniversary of his death just passed this month.  I pray for his family.  They were so close.  I think about those "deals" I made with God fifteen years ago.  I accept He has his plans.  I'm thankful He enabled me to be included for a short time in them with an awesome man I was blessed to have as a loyal friend.